Sometimes it takes a missing nin
by Secret Sheik
Summary: An original character is irritated by canon Sues. Sasuke, Naruto, Akatsuki, she just can't seem to avoid them!
1. Chapter 1

First of all, I am extremely hesitant about making an original character. I've seen the terror of the Mary Sues in the world, and it aint pretty. However, my character will exist for the humiliation of what is known as "Canon Sues" or canon characters that are just too darn Sue-ish. I think you know where I'm going with this. She won't be unbearable, as I'm sure you will see. And now, for your reading pleasure, the attack of the original character on canon Sues. Enjoy.

* * *

"Sometimes it takes a missing nin..."

* * *

The sun shone brightly down on the endless rice fields of the Sound country as a lone missing nin walked low to the ground, hiding in the deep rushes as she progressed on her journey. She wasn't exactly a remarkable ninja and wanted to stay out of sight of hunter nins, keeping to the long, solitary style of life. Her lavender hair didn't exactly match the scene around her, but she had heard of stranger things in her life. At least her hair wasn't pink. Or blue. That would just be a little too weird.

A sudden malevolent chakra presence behind her made her stand at attention, glaring at the stranger expectantly. Who the heck was this guy trying to be? She held back a smirk as she glanced to see a long purple rope tied around his waist, and... good lord, was that a butt bow? His long, open shirt looked like it could fall off his shoulders at any moment, or at least the long sleeves be prone to attacks from Itachi the sleeve rapist. (see the author's note at the end of this. Believe me, it's funny.) His cold eyes just screamed emo, and his black hair was spiked up like a wild bird's crest. This day was going to be weird.

He pointed a long sword at her menacingly, trying his hardest to look threatening and dominant, but she just couldn't take him seriously. It was the butt bow. His eyes drifted to her hitai-ate curiously, noticing the scratched out symbol of the village of the star. Now that was a new one. "You. What is your business in the sound?"

She held back a chuckle at his cold sounding voice. Definitely emo. "Passing through."

He took a cursory glance at her whole attire, her practical ninja wear not much to look at. She had a basic dark vest with pockets everywhere, and long sleeves that stretched all the way to her gloves, the taught fabric being useful in the forests where not even a flap of loose cloth was left to catch the branches. Her pants were the exact same style, and overall he deemed her to be boring and not emo enough for him to waste his time on. Still, he had a reputation to keep up, and he glared down at her, the sharingan activating. "I don't have time for you, little kunoichi. Just give up and die."

Little kunoichi? Oh now that was rich. She had to be at least five years older than this little kid! What an emo moron. "Funny, I don't have time for you either, little emo prick. How about we leave well enough alone and I simply pass through?" She really meant it. It wasn't like her to pick fights when it wasn't necessary. Heck, even when it was necessary, she often ran away like a coward because it really wasn't worth it to die like that.

His eye twitched. Emo prick? Why, he ought to go on a long rant about his past and show her just how emo he was! "How can you call me emo? You're a missing nin, you're probably just as emo as I am, just like all the rest."

Oh boy. This guy was irritating. She held her arms out placatingly. "Look, I don't want trouble, and I really don't want to hear either of our life's stories. Let's just pretend like this never happened and you go on with your little emo life."

He held his sword at her jugular. "Not a chance. Tell me who you are and what you're REALLY doing out here in sound country."

Good lord. "Fine, fine." Her deep violet eyes rolled with irritation. "My name is Miyomi, and I am a missing nin from Hoshigakure. I really am passing through and I mean no harm. Happy?"

He didn't appear satisfied. "I see... My name is-"

"I don't really fucking care who you are," she interrupted. "Now get out of my way, I have things to do."

He pointed the blade a little closer. "You're not the one in charge here! I'm trying to tell you my name in exchange for you giving yours. I am Uchiha Sasuke."

She shrugged. "Like I said, I don't care. Now let me go, I'm sure you don't have business with missing nin anyway."

"Yes I do. What do you know about Akatsuki?"

Her eyes rolled again. "Oh God. That emo group? Again, don't care. I leave them alone, they leave me alone, everyone is happy. I don't know and I don't care."

He was really getting pissed off. "You're not telling me everything, you can't be. How can a missing nin not care about Akatsuki? Now tell me about them, and most importantly, tell me about Uchiha Itachi! I need to get revenge on him."

This must be roll-your-eyes-in-disgust day for her. Really, this guy was just getting more and more irritating. Seriously, revenge? What a pain. "Look, I really don't know. True, I've heard of Itachi, everyone heard about the great Uchiha slaughter. But that's all I know. He killed off nearly all of his clan and left his brother- you, apparently- alone. Now, if you're done ranting about revenge or whatever the crap it is you emo people do, I have an onsen to find."

He just couldn't believe it. A missing nin without an emo complex? Surely there must be SOME horrible past behind her! She was a missing nin, surely something happened to make her that way. "You really expect me to believe that? How can you not understand revenge? Didn't your village betray you?"

Her hand tilted her hitai-ate absently. "This thing? Yeah, I left after they started doing some really dangerous training with the meteor in town. I didn't agree with the political views either, too much of a pain, so I left. Nothing special, I just don't feel like being there anymore."

He withdrew his blade back with a confused expression. She wasn't emo, she didn't desire revenge, all she wanted was to find a hot spring, apparently. "You're a weird little bitch." He turned to leave, really confused, but glanced back once more, making sure to look completely ice cold and angsty. "My village treated me like a priceless prodigy after my brother slaughtered my clan, leaving me with only hatred. He told me to find enough hatred in my heart and only then could I defeat him. Then the sannin Orochimaru cursed me with this seal on my neck, tempting me with power and tormenting my mind until I ran away from the village, nearly killing my best friend in the process. Now I live here training every day, my hatred growing until I am strong enough to-"

"Good lord, would you just shut up?" She couldn't take it anymore. Her back turned to him, she began to walk away. "Geez, do you do this to all of your enemies? No wonder they all end up dead, they can't take listening to your stupid story anymore and they want to die just to end the noise!" Before he could turn around and retort, she was gone, her chakra signature not leaving a trace behind. What a weird girl.

* * *

A/N: I have to stop typing before I burst into laughter. Really. Oh, right. Author's note. Itachi the sleeve rapist, yes? Funny story. When I was at Anime Detour, our Konan and Itachi were just standing around, but then Konan turned around suddenly but so did Itachi, and Itachi's hand went down her sleeve. Konan made a joke about Itachi being a sleeve rapist, and the joke was born. Hehe... yeah. It was great.


	2. Chapter 2

Even if nobody likes this story, I'm going to do it for the sake of my friends and of course for the ongoing joke of Itachi the sleeve rapist and other weird jokes that manage to return to my memory. Enjoy the further torment of canon sues.

* * *

She finally relaxed in an onsen somewhere in the Fire country, glad to be out of Sound. If she saw that weirdo bird-head again she wasn't sure if she could live through his angsty rambling. What a pain! The warm water was enough of a distraction tonight and she was grateful for a little peace of mind. Only a few other women were here tonight, though a flash of pink emerging from the water caught her eye. Wasn't she just thinking about pink hair earlier that day? Yeah, that color was definitely too weird. Still, she didn't care, and sank further down into the water, trying to relax.

"Oh, sorry." Someone bumped into her shoulder accidentally. It was the pink haired girl. She just shrugged it off nonchalantly.

"No problem. It happens." She closed her eyes again, intending on just getting back to the relaxation.

"So what's your name? Mine is Haruno Sakura!"

She opened her eyes reluctantly, glancing at bright green ones. Weird. Her head stretched back on the edge of the spring, wondering if she should bother. "Miyomi." Then her eyes closed again, hoping this would really be the end of the chatter.

"Are you a ninja too?" Again with the questions!

She sighed to herself. Really, she was too polite for her own good. "Yeah."

Her green eyes widened. "Oh! So what kind of techniques do you use? I'm a medical ninja and I use my chakra to enhance my strength and break the ground with my heel and punch rocks."

It was amusing to think of this petite woman breaking rocks with her punches, but really, she didn't care. Why the heck was she telling her anything at all? Well, she did ask, so she decided to keep it short. "Mid-range, mostly fire jutsu." She didn't wax eloquent about the details of her techniques. Heck, she didn't even really feel like talking, but again, she was just too damn polite.

"Where are you from?"

She gave up on trying to dodge the questions and resigned herself to her polite nature. At least she was in a hot spring and could relax while she was talking, otherwise she wouldn't have bothered. "Hoshigakure."

"Oh, the land of bears! You know, I went there once, and they were doing all kinds of crazy training involving the meteor in town, and we took the mission to mediate the whole thing! It was so horrible what they were doing. They were practically killing off their ninja with their dangerous training..."

At least she could relate to that. "Yeah."

"What's worse is that I feel so inadequate compared to Naruto and the rest of the other Konoha ninja from our same year, it seems like I'm always one step behind. I've watched their backs for so many years, it makes me feel so bad that I can't be there to help."

Oh good lord. Not another one. She was really getting tempted to leave. "Yeah."

"Do you ever feel like that, Miyomi-chan? Like you just can't compare to other people and you can't help but cry at night?"

CHAN? "No."

Her eyes widened. "No?! But you're a kunoichi, females have it so hard in the ninja world, we can't compare to the boys at all, that's why there's two boys on each squad and usually only one girl. We can't hope to fend for ourselves!"

Since when did being female become synonymous with being weak? She seemed to do just fine considering all the crap she had to deal with. Speaking of crap... "Yeah, you'll never get anywhere with that attitude." She rose abruptly from the spring, exiting with enough speed to lose the little pink haired nin. Seriously, she couldn't bear to hear another life story so soon after that idiot Uchiha shared his. She needed a drink.

* * *

It was strange to find peace and quiet in the middle of a noisy bar, but she had had enough of people coming up to her while she was alone. Maybe she would get a bit of peace if she blended into the crowd. Her eyes drifted lazily to her drink as a pair of cloaked men sat next to her casually. One had a strange, gruff voice and towered over his shorter companion that had sat right next to her. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the shorter man order a plate of dango quietly as the larger man yelled for sake. She mentally shrugged to herself and continued with her own drink. Whoever they were, it didn't matter. True, at first it bothered her that someone was sitting directly next to her, but she got over it.

The taller man removed his concealing hat first, revealing a very interesting shade of blue. Hair AND skin. Forget what she said before about blue hair... blue skin was much worse. This guy even had gills on his face and looked for all the world to be half shark. Heck, maybe he was. It didn't bother her as much as it should have. Although, it wasn't like they meant her any trouble, she could ignore it.

The shorter, raven haired man finally deigned to look at her, red eyes blaring in her direction as his uncomfortable gaze didn't budge. She looked up at him with a "do you mind?" gaze and held his glance fearlessly. They wouldn't start anything here if they knew what was good for them. Then she saw his eyes a bit better, remembering something very similar from earlier in the day. That moron- Sasuke?- from before must be his brother. Which makes him... "You must be Itachi." It wasn't like her to initiate conversation, but maybe if she did see that Sasuke idiot again, she would have more information to give and he might just leave her alone sooner. She tucked her arms in self-consciously, keeping her sleeves close to her body. He was a sleeve rapist, after all.

His elegant eyebrow raised slightly but his even tone betrayed no emotions. "I am." He glanced at her hitai-ate, blatantly declaring her status as a missing nin from Hoshigakure. "And you are a former Star nin."

She didn't even glance back at him. "I am." Her eyes drifted to his slashed Konoha hitai-ate, remembering what his brother had said. "Oh, yeah, I met your brother today. Said some stupid stuff about revenge and that he was gaining hatred. I wasn't really listening but he mentioned you so I thought you should know."

He turned his own gaze to his plate. "Foolish brother... he will never have enough hatred to defeat me. He may detest me, despise me, desire to kill me, but he can never have enough hatred to complete his revenge."

Oh here we go again. More crap about revenge and hatred. She decided to say nothing, hoping his obviously quiet nature would keep him silent. The larger man turned with a sharklike grin to him, commenting in a snarky voice. "Itachi-san, why do you even bother with that little runt? Just kill him already, it will do all of us a world of good."

Well... that was a surprise. She actually found herself liking this other ninja, and agreeing that it would do everyone a favor to kill the young Uchiha. Heck, it would be nice to do away with the older Uchiha, but at least he was quiet enough. She nodded politely at the shark nin. "Agreed."

He turned his wide grin to her. "Cheers." His hand grabbed his sake glass with a salute, drinking the entire thing in one gulp. A big guy like that must have a high alcohol tolerance. At least this guy was amusing. Maybe he would be tolerable. She spotted the red clouds on their cloaks with interest. Akatsuki, right... crap. Well, she really didn't want to run into these weirdos either today, but this just didn't seem to be her day at all.

"Nice to meet you, fellas, but I gotta go now." She waved as she left her pay on the table, intent on leaving without incident, but the shark man called out to her.

"Yo, you ever think about joining Akatsuki?"

Well, he was a tolerable person, and she figured he deserved a full answer. "Nah, it's all a bit too emo to bother with, you know? I really need to get going."

He shook his head reluctantly. "Too bad. It would be nice having someone sane around..."

Itachi grunted with disapproval. "She wouldn't even pass the entrance test. She's not worth our time."

She nodded with agreement. "Yeah, I don't want to anyway, so at least we agree." She turned away before they could stop her again. Well, the shark man was amusing and would probably be good to have a decent conversation with, but not while he was around the Uchiha that was practically spewing dark, emo radiation. If she remembered right, he was Hoshigake Kisame, and the Uchiha's partner. Too bad. He really was interesting.

* * *

She relaxed in bed in the small inn she had found for the evening, exhausted from a long day. Relaxation and long, lazy days were her favorite, and today had been just too much emo overload for her. The low moonlight was soothing, and for a moment she was able to forget everything that happened that day, discarding the irrelevant pasts that had been forced upon her as she laid back. With a contented sigh, she closed her eyes, sleepily hoping that tomorrow would be better.

An intense chakra pressure woke her from her rest, and she honestly hoped that idiot Uchiha (either of them!) hadn't come to find her. She opened her eyes reluctantly, inwardly groaning as a brand new set of eyes stared at her. Not the Uchihas, then. This guy had steely gray eyes, ringed and whirling slowly as he stared at her from a dark corner. Couldn't even come into the light, huh? "Who the hell are you?"

His eyes narrowed as he approached her, still keeping his form in darkness. "That is none of your concern. You're coming with me." Before she could react, she was swept into his grasp and away from the inn, cursing her horrible luck lately. All she could see of him were his ringed eyes and red clouds on his cloak. More Akatsuki. Well this was just great. She was being captured by what was undoubtedly another emo bastard, to be the prisoner of more emo bastards, and to be honest she really wasn't strong enough to fight him. This meant she would have to deal with Itachi the sleeve rapist again. But the shark would be there. Either way, this was far more trouble than she intended to be in right now. All she wanted was to live out her long, quiet life. Darn emo bastards...

* * *

A/N: Oh don't worry, there will be more upcoming jokes besides the whole sleeve incident. Once Konan gets into the picture, there will be a lot more hilarity. Again, I don't care if you like this story. You were warned at the start, after all. This is for myself and my friends, and if you happen to like it, feel free to review.


	3. Chapter 3

I've actually had a few nice reviews for this! I also put Miyomi through the Mary Sue litmus test. Believe it or not, she actually came out a negative score. That's pretty sweet. She will have a few interesting things happen, but there would be no plot and no interaction if it didn't, so hopefully it's forgivable.

* * *

Well this just sucked. She had really hoped to get a good night's rest, and here this emo bastard captured her in the middle of the night and she was in the clutches of the Akatsuki. There were moments when she considered escaping, but she was too tired and too apathetic to bother making the attempt. In the end, she gave up before she even started, and was led to the interrogation room running on only four hours of sleep.

"Who are you and what do you want with the Akatsuki?" The gray eyed man- their leader, she had heard whispered in the hallway- had taken her to a room with a table and just the two chairs, keeping himself on the dark half, shadowing himself. Okay, so this guy was pretending to be mysterious. And asking her the same stupid question she had been getting all day.

"Miyomi, I don't want anything to do with Akatsuki."

His eyes observed her casually. "You're a missing nin, yet you want nothing to do with other missing nin?"

This sounded an awful lot what Sasuke had said to her. "You heard me, didn't you? I have no interest in what Akatsuki does or dealing with other missing nin. I'm no threat to you, as I'm sure you figured out. I just want to be on my way and I won't say another word about this ever again."

"I don't think so. You are formerly from the land of bears, an area we are still very unfamiliar with. You know more than we do, and you're not going anywhere. The land of bears is on our list for world domination, and we will get the information from you by force if necessary."

World domination? Oh good lord. This guy wasn't just an emo bastard. He was an emo bastard who wanted to take over the world. Lovely. "I suppose you expected me to fight you and refuse to give any information." At his subtle nod, she continued. "I'm not loyal to that place anymore, I'll tell you whatever you want if you let me go when I'm done. Shit... you didn't even have to capture me, you could have just asked me on the street."

That certainly wasn't expected. Some missing nin gave up information fast enough, under the proper kinds of torture, but hardly any just blurted it out. She was utterly selfish. "Fine. Tell us all you can and we will release you."

"Do I have to do it right now? I'm still half asleep, you know. I can't even think."

He waved his hand dismissively. "The longer you take, the longer you stay. If you're eager to leave as soon as possible, tell me now, but if you can tolerate us a little longer than that, you may stay."

She was really tempted to just blurt everything out and leave, but the speech itself would take at least a few hours of explanation, and she just wasn't mentally ready for it. "Nah, I can barely put together a coherent sentence. Let me guess, that Uchiha guy told you about me?"

He nodded. "As well as Kisame. I thought you might room with them tonight since you know them already. I can make sure there's enough room."

It would be interesting to see the only sane person here she had met so far. "Yeah, sounds interesting, I'll take you up on that." She paused, not knowing how to respond after such a weird conversation and just left it at that, shrugging and going back into the hallway. As long as she didn't bring up the subject of Itachi's brother, she was sure his silence would continue. Hopefully. When she entered the hallway, she was completely lost. Nobody deigned to show her around the place, and she had been left to her own devices. It was then that she suddenly ran head first into a silver haired man.

"HEY! You little fucker, watch where you're going!" He stopped in his tracks, not recognizing her at all. "Hey, who the fuck are you?"

She was a bit thrown back by his love of the word fuck, but shrugged calmly. Two could play that game. "Well, who the fuck are you?"

His eyebrow raised curiously. "Hidan."

She caught on to his straightforward tone quickly. Well, she didn't want to fuck around either. "Miyomi."

He glanced at her hitai-ate. "Star village."

She made her own cursory glance at his. "You?"

"Land of River."

"What the fuck is that?" She pointed down at his necklace.

"Rosary."

"Who do you worship?"

"Jashin."

"Yeah. So where's Kisame? I need to find him." He merely pointed down a hallway and she nodded to him briefly. So this Hidan person was more or less all business. Well, and a bit of temper, if one took too much of his time. She made a mental note to keep it strictly business just in case he too felt like sharing anything further. Fortunately he didn't seem to want to bother with anything that didn't directly concern him and she was left to find the appropriate room in silence. Finally, the right door. A small sign was labeled with the names of both Itachi and Kisame who shared a room just like the other Akatsuki partners did.

She knocked and- thank the lord- Kisame was the one to answer the door. His partner was already in bed and probably asleep, and she saw that they had set a sleeping bag on the couch nearby in their small suite. The shark nin seemed just as irritated as she was at being disturbed from their sleep thanks to the leader, and both made a silent pact to leave things the way they were. He would go back to sleep and she would mind her own business. Then tomorrow, she would spill her information and get the heck out of here.

* * *

As soon as morning arrived, Miyomi was eager to just get this over with and headed in the direction of where she remembered the leader's office being. She was nearly run over (seemed this happens a lot around here) by a blue haired kunoichi. Blue hair? Oh lord. Not again. Not the blue hair again! The woman was running frantically down the hall and only stopped long enough to apologize.

"Excuse me." Her look turned angry as she yelled down the hall. "HEY! WHICH ONE OF YOU BASTARDS STOLE MY FLOWER?" She stood in the hallway and fumed. It couldn't have been Pein, he slept the entire night. Not Kisame, he was out like a drunk after waking up in the middle of the night. Hidan and Kakuzu had left that night for a mission. Deidara and Tobi were expected later today, and Zetsu was off scouting as usual. That only left... "DAMN IT ITACHI YOU'RE GOING TO PAY!" She paced and huffed. "Darn that man, geez..." She exploded into another tirade. "DAMMIT I'VE BEEN DEFLOWERED, AND ITACHI DID IT!"

Pein appeared in the hallway instantly, his eyes wide. "What... What did you say?"

She instantly understood the second implied meaning of her outburst. "Oh! No no, it's uh... not like that. See?" Her finger pointed to where her paper flower usually lay. "It's gone. I think Itachi took it."

He cracked his knuckles noisily, muttering to himself. "Itachi the sleeve rapist strikes again..." His shadowy form disappeared down the hall where Itachi's room was, and the two women winced when a muffled punch sounded soon after.

Konan sighed audibly. "Getting carried away again."

Miyomi had been watching the entire exchange with a look between disgust and astonishment, not sure whether to burst out laughing or walk away shaking her head slowly. This was way too much to deal with mentally. She rose slowly, nodding to Konan. "Yeah. Just a little."

Pein walked back into the dark hallway holding her large paper rose. "Here." He reached out and pinned it in her hair, a fond gaze on his face for only a moment.

As usual, Miyomi went straight to business, ruining the moment. "Hey, so what all do you want to know about Hoshigakure?"

He turned to her abruptly, beckoning her back to his office. "Everything."

She followed him back to the dark office, seating herself just like before, leaning back in preparation for a long explanation. He sat across from her, preparing for just the same. He really wasn't that bad if she forgot about the whole global domination thing. "Where do you want me to start?"

"How about getting around the poisonous fog that covers so much of the area?"

"Ah, that. Funny story, really. Turns out there is a very thin mountain range in the south. That's how I managed to get out of the village, and your shinobi could use it to get in. Nobody goes there. After that, it's simple. It may be a hidden village, but I don't think your men could miss the only enormous crater in the middle of nowhere."

His mouth quirked into a tiny grin. "No, I bet not. And what of their shinobi? What kinds of attacks are they capable of?"

She tried to remember for a moment. "The only thing you should worry about is their intense chakra control. They would use the peacock technique to intensify their control and could even use their chakra like an impenetrable shield. Not a whole lot of people can do that technique, and most of the ones who could died soon after learning it. Even so, they have great control over their chakra even without it."

"And what about the village itself? How well armed are they? How big of a threat could they become in the event of Akatsuki attacking?"

"Hmm... From what I've seen of your group, I wouldn't go in there with just two of them. It would be better to attack in a larger group if you want to get anything done."

"Any natural hazards? Large deposits of soil or unusual rocks around the village?"

Her eyebrow raised slightly. He was taking the terrain into account? "The crater itself is little more than fine dust and there are large deposits of the same dust on the higher ground around the village. Why?"

There went that tiny smirk again. "Just curious. That could easily turn the tide... And what about the financial status of the village? How much business does it get?"

Good grief. He really was analyzing his advantages from every angle. "Hoshigakure is a self sufficient village when it needs to be, but the constant warring has led to a small amount of prosperity for those in our country. Last I saw, they weren't poor but they weren't rich either. I suppose you could label it middle class."

"I see... so there is a low demand for shinobi, but enough to keep up the small amount they have." His eyes closed in concentration. "Well, I think we've covered everything. The geographical aspect, the economical aspect, and of course compensation for human presence. You may leave."

Finally. "Yeah, alright." She waved absently on her way out, glad it was finally over. With a yawn, she headed towards what she hoped was the exit. Konan was still in the hallway and was kind enough to point a finger in the right direction. It was interesting that they didn't insist on clearing her memory, but then again she wasn't exactly going to give away the location of their base. She was a traitor to her old village, but she didn't really give a darn about what Akatsuki was doing and they probably knew it.

Outside, she was glad to find herself not too far from the village where the onsen had been. No wonder they had been so quick at finding her again. Oh lord, please don't let that pink haired girl be there. She really needed a break, just ONE time in her life. She gazed pleadingly at the sky, praying that today would be normal. Just ONE normal day, surely it wasn't too much to ask.

She must have gotten on some deity's bad side at some point. Just outside the village gates was that darn pink haired girl again with a weird kid dressed in orange. What kind of idiot ninja wears orange? Did he WANT to die? Heck, why had he lived even this long? That pink haired one was wearing red... That was definitely a death wish. Oh lord. Why did her life have to be like this?

* * *

A/N: It's because we care, Miyomi! Not really. You don't care either and you know it! Itachi the sleeve rapist strikes again! Oh I almost forgot! I posted a pic of Miyomi on Deviant Art! You know about that yes? secretsheik is my username on there... look me up!


	4. Chapter 4

A/n: You know, this makes me smile. I hope you do the same!

* * *

Why did this week seem to not be her week? She sighed with frustration as the weird orange clothed wonder approached her inevitably, yelling loudly and dancing around talking about bonds. Seriously, what the hell? The pink haired girl was instantly at her side as well, recognizing her from before.

"Hey, I remember you! Megumi, right?"

"It's Miyomi... Get away from me..." Her violet eyes narrowed from the stress. Honestly, even though she was only twenty-eight, she was really starting to feel that she was too old for this crap. She mentally sighed as the boy in orange jumped up and down frantically.

"OOH OHH! Miyomi-san! Guess what! I'm going to be Hokage some day, you better believe it! I like instant ramen and I hate Akatsuki. What are your likes and hates?"

She grimaced. "I'd like to get away from here because I hate you."

He glared up at her hitai-ate. "Hey wait a minute... You're from the star village! That's so... COOL!"

Another stranger came up next, his brown eyes looking at her with a critical gaze. "Naruto, quiet. She is a missing nin from Hoshigakure. It would be best to leave her alone. Don't start up a fight."

She looked at him as if he was her savior. Finally, someone with a bit of sense. "Thank you, I--"

"Naruto, remember what I told you before." A sudden flashback from the same episode occurred in an instant, of this man telling Naruto that he was the one who hurt Sakura. This seemed completely irrelevant to the topic at hand, as well as make no sense why a flashback could occur in the real world right in front of her eyes.

She paused. Was he done? "Yes. Anyway, I--"

"You must also remember what Sai told you." Another flashback occurred of Sai showing his picture book to the whole team, yet again being completely irrelevant. The final stranger came up at this point, probably the one named Sai, and looked at Miyomi calmly.

"Good day... Purple-san."

Her eye twitched. Honestly, what was with these people? She couldn't be polite anymore. "Look, will you guys just leave me alone and--"

Sakura interrupted next. "Sai, don't you remember what I told you about nicknames?" Yet another flashback showed of Sakura punching Sai after he called her ugly.

Miyomi fumed and yelled. "SHUT UP! Stop with the stupid flashbacks! GET AWAY FROM ME!" In an act of desperation, she drew out a small knife. She didn't use kunai like these other ninjas did. She had the pouch, but not kunai. Why? Well, technically kunai were gardening tools, and she was a ninja, not a gardener. She used knives. Her eyes narrowed as she imbued fire chakra into the blade, turning it hot enough to melt heavy plate armor. That was one advantage of fire alignment, it was useful against anything that could burn or melt.

The orange one- Naruto, she remembered- started to attack but the tall brown haired man- Yamato, right?- stopped him. "Naruto, she's a fire type!"

Naruto nodded. "Right! I have just the thing... Mass shadow clones!" He summoned probably thirty shadow clones. Well... the more the merrier, she supposed. Nothing worse than thirty Narutos, though. Except maybe thirty-one... Two of the shadow clones started to make a Rasengan while a third did something else odd to it. The clone closest to her started to go off on a speech about bonds and she immediately cut through the clone with her blazing knife, leaving another clone to gape. "HEY! I wasn't done talking, you--" This clone was also cut off in the middle of his speech.

She wasn't exactly a strong ninja. Really, she had barely made it to jounin level back in her village. But against an idiot that does little more than talk his head off, well... She paused only long enough to shrug. "Not my fault you let your guard down." Not only that, but she wasn't above dirty tricks. Instead of focusing on fighting just Naruto like any other person may have done, she kept her eye on the others as well. They weren't doing anything. Just... standing there gaping as their comrade was taking all the hits. Well that's just lovely. Not to mention confusing. Don't team members typically help each other? Apparently not.

His Rasengan took on some elemental power, wind from the looks of it. What an idiot... did nobody ever teach him that wind against fire was practically suicide? Seeing that he was going to go ahead and use it anyway, she mentally shrugged and started up a fire technique. "Fire style, raging pyre!" As expected, his wind imbued Rasengan made contact with her fire attack and not only had no effect on her but intensified her attack and made him get more harm in the process. Brilliant, little kid, just... brilliant.

He stood up, burned severely and his shadow clones gone. "W-what the... you're so strong, how did you do that?" She dead-panned at his remark. Strong? Oh please. It was just common sense... He gritted his teeth and summoned up the exact same attack. Oh lord. "This time I'll get you for sure!" Was this kid really dumb enough to use the same attack more than once? It was the same thing. She used a fire technique against wind and he was knocked back once again burned and his pride damaged. His singed face was still grinning- what the hell?- and he suddenly smiled. "You know, you're pretty tough, but my bonds with Sasuke will never be broken! They will drive me to win!"

If she hadn't been in better control of her actions, she would have hit herself in the face with her palm right about now. That Sasuke kid again. Somehow that Uchiha was coming up over and over. All she wanted to do was go to the hot spring again, why did life have to torment her like this? "Look kid, I don't give a crap about your stupid bonds. Just leave me alone and we'll all get on with our business, alright? I don't want any trouble."

He frowned suddenly. "Why you...!" Yet again he used that same stupid wind attack. Three times? This guy really WAS that stupid. Two could play at that game and she used the same fire attack. He was burned once more, and he nearly passed out this time as he tried to get up.

Taking the moment of opportunity and not wanting to her another damn word about bonds or Sasuke, she ran to him and put her short knife to his neck. "Kid, seriously, I don't feel like killing you. Just get out of here and leave me alone. Go find your Sasuke or whatever. Just don't let me see your orange colored butt around me ever again, got it?" She released the knife and the whole team walked away dejectedly, far away from the hot spring town and in the direction of the place she had last spotted Sasuke. Better them than me, she thought to herself.

* * *

Well, no hot spring tonight. She glared down at her empty wallet, the last being spent on food. Damn, she really needed some cash. There wasn't much for a jounin level missing nin to do as far as work, at least not anything that paid regularly or well. With a sigh, she leaned back in the tavern chair and stared out to the street. A hand suddenly clamped down on her shoulder and a deep voice reached her ears.

"A little broke today, Miyomi-san, eh?" Recognizing that snarky voice anywhere, she turned around to glance up at Kisame.

"What's it to you, bud?" She could easily meet his teasing tone with her own sarcasm and she watched him cautiously as he moved to sit across from her.

His wide grin seemed to fill his whole face. "A pleasure as always, I'm sure." His sarcastic tone was followed up by a casual shrug. "Leader-sama witnessed your fight with that kid in the orange coat. We've been after that kid for years, and here you are taking him down like it was nothing." He leaned forward curiously. "How did you do it?"

Her own look was one of disbelief. "You have got to be kidding me. Years? Why didn't you guys just use fire element against him? That little weirdo is wind element and it looks like all he can do is replicate himself and use a wind natured Rasengan. He used the same crap three times in a row, it got really boring."

"He wasn't always like that, sometimes he would use his clones to beat the crap out of everyone."

"True. So why didn't you just kick his butt while he was talking about bonds or whatever crap he likes to go on and on about during battle?"

"He does talk a lot, doesn't he?" He stretched lazily back in his chair. "Well, as I said before, you would do well in Akatsuki. Once Leader-sama finds out where you are, he'll no doubt try to recruit you."

"What a pain. But how did you know I was here?"

"You did a decent job of hiding your chakra, but not good enough. I sensed you."

She sighed, looking away from him to the ceiling. "Damn. So what are the odds of escaping this recruitment?"

"Zero." His brow furrowed deeply. "One of our members tried to resist it, but he didn't do so well. He's not so bad off now, though. Akatsuki pays well enough for jobs we do, and we have enough resources to do pretty well for ourselves. Kinda like your little star village, isn't it?"

Her eyes met his again. Well, she didn't miss home, but she did miss regular pay. "I suppose they'll kill me if I prove too much of a pain to recruit. But you get paid often, you say?"

He nodded. "As long as you do the work and don't seriously injure the other members. Well, except Hidan, you can hurt him all you want." He smirked and continued. "He's like a personal punching bag! I love using him for target practice, and the best part is he can't die!"

That got her attention. "A personal punching bag, you say? Go on..."

He chuckled deeply, seeing that he got her interest at last. "You'd get along great with Kakuzu, he's a money hungry bastard and only cares about what the jobs pay. He runs our finances and it seems like you have the same interests."

She nodded. "That and the personal punching bag."

He laughed louder. "You'd definitely like Kakuzu!" He leaned close, his voice a low whisper. "Just between us, it would be better if you joined willingly. You'd get a lot less trouble and nobody would be watching your back all the time. If we had to force you, I can guarantee that you'd end up being observed by Itachi. You don't want that, do you?"

Her eyes widened. "That emo bastard..." She sighed again. "I guess it can't be helped. I'll give in while I still have a choice. When do you suppose they'll catch on to where I am?"

He hesitated. "Well, I was supposed to take you back myself if I found you."

"I see. And I would be expected to have a partner?"

"Not yet. You would probably have to be with me until they found someone that suited you. Well, and Itachi-san, of course. Don't worry though, that kid isn't really so hard to deal with as long as you don't start talking about his brother. Any other subject will get you a glare or silence, and rarely a very insightful answer."

"A kid, huh? Young?"

He chuckled. "To me I suppose he is. You know, he's only eighteen, but we've been together for five years, so if he ever gets on your nerves, I can manage him. As long as you don't mention the Uchiha clan or talk about conspiracy, he's tolerable."

"He really is just a kid." She stared down at her drink blankly. "Well, I will be sure not to mention any of that if it gets me little more than angst talk. Alright. I'll join if it can't be helped. The last thing I want is that Uchiha breathing down my neck if I have to join forcibly." She rose abruptly. "Let's just get this crap over with." She followed him back to the one place she really didn't feel like going back to, but then again, it really couldn't be helped. There were a few good things about this, though. Money... just think about the money... Being broke and in the middle of foreign territory was a bad idea. Kisame would be there too, he wasn't so bad. Hidan would be there to vent her frustration on, and that Kakuzu guy sounded like someone she could get along with. Maybe they weren't all emo bastards after all. Only Itachi, and maybe the leader. To be fair, she hadn't met them all yet and shouldn't rush to conclusions. Oh, but curse her logical mind. Curse her common sense. All of this was what had gotten her into this mess.

* * *

A/N: Oh poor Miyomi-chan. You'll survive! ...I think.


	5. Chapter 5

Sometimes it takes a missing nin - Part 5

* * *

Kisame had brought Miyomi into the Akatsuki headquarters without any struggle, taking her to the nearest base not far from the hot spring she had been to. The tall walls were well hidden in the base of a cliff, melding with the pale stone until they were nearly invisible. As soon as they stopped, a small crack in the rock crept up from the ground and Kisame placed his hand over it, the lettering on his ring glowing passively. A sudden tremor in the earth made the walls shudder as they pulled aside, allowing them entrance before slamming shut behind. She refrained from sighing with exasperation as once again she was here within the walls of Akatsuki. Damn.

Money... just... think about the money... She had almost accepted the idea of being here in Akatsuki when suddenly she was run over- honestly, why did _everyone_ run into HER?- by a very energetic cloaked man with... an orange swirly mask... Not again. He rose and brushed himself off quickly, looking a bit too hyper as he bowed apologetically. "Sorry lady! Tobi is a good boy... Tobi didn't mean to run into you but Tobi didn't see..."

Before she could even gawk after him, another person was on the masked nin's heels, though he managed to avoid her pretty well. This guy had long blond hair and looked for all the world to be female, but his low voice told her differently. "Tobi you little runt! GET BACK HERE SO I CAN KILL YOU! UN!"

They were both gone before she knew it, and she looked back at Kisame with astonishment. "Kisame... what the hell WAS THAT?"

He only frowned and moved down the hall at a slower pace. "Tobi and Deidara. They... don't get along."

"Obviously." She followed reluctantly. "Anything else I should know about this place?"

He chuckled and glanced at her over his shoulder. "It's not something I can just warn you about. You gotta see it all for yourself. All I can warn you to do is knock before you enter a room. ALWAYS knock."

Her brow raised high at that. "Interesting... I... assume you've regretted not doing it."

"You have no idea." He grimaced at the memory. "Itachi-san went into Leader's room one day without knocking. Konan-chan was there and... well... let's just say Itachi-san has it burned into his Sharingan permanently."

Her eyes went wide at the implication. "Ouch..."

"Ever since that day, we've ALL learned to knock, even if it's our own rooms. Other than that, there are the basic rules of Akatsuki. You know, the usual. No killing your comrades, adhere to dress code, all that shit. Well, except when it comes to Hidan. You're allowed to kill him. If you find a way, that is." He smirked widely. "Here." They had arrived at the leader's doorway, and -remembering to knock- waited to be permitted inside. The leader of Akatsuki held few pretenses and kept his office sparse but sufficient, the low light barely glinting off his features.

"Welcome back, Kisame. I see that you fulfilled your side mission."

Miyomi frowned from behind the shark. "Why the hell do you keep bringing me back here? I keep telling you that I'm useless to you. I barely made jounin back home, I can't compare to S-class criminals like you."

Pein nodded slowly. "Perhaps not, but you seem to have what the jinchuuriki lacks. You have the ability to subdue him somehow, and this is useful to our purposes."

Her eye twitched. "All I did was use fire jutsu against him when he used wind... it's academy basic training to know that fire is strengthened by wind. Are you seriously telling me that you've never thought to use fire against him, especially while he's talking about bonds?"

"...an interesting thought. Perhaps we shall try this on him. For now, however, I need your analytical skills in the first mission I will assign to you. There isn't enough time to formally induct you into Akatsuki, but this mission is of the utmost importance. I want you to investigate a shrine in Fire country. Secretly, of course. I have heard that a jinchuuriki is hosted there and want to make certain. This involves no direct battle unless you slip up, and you will be paid 3,000 ryo for completing it."

Now he had her attention. "Three-thousand? Shit... I'm in."

"Excellent. Now, since Itachi is on his own mission and you know Kisame well enough, I'll send him with you to observe your information-gathering skills. I'm afraid I don't have a ring you can use, but I can contact Kisame directly if I need anything from you." He reached out and held an Akatsuki cloak out to her. "Here, wear this at all times on your mission."

She took the cloak reluctantly and tried it on, noting the way it flowed around her legs. "This... this thing is seriously going to get in my way... Can't I just wear my own stuff? Seriously, this thing could get caught in a branch or something." She held out her arms, observing the wide sleeves. "And these sleeves are... huge. You know what Itachi does to sleeves like this...!"

Pein expected this argument. "We need to teach the world to fear the emblem of Akatsuki, and we do this by wearing it. Just get accustomed to it, use this mission to get a better feel for moving stealthily. Whatever the case, report back as soon as you have the information."

Kisame nodded politely. "Of course, leader-sama." Before Miyomi could start up another really good argument, he grabbed her arm and led her out the door, only speaking to her again once the door was shut. "I know it sucks, but you gotta deal with it. Like you saw, the pay is really good for just sitting around watching people talk. That's pretty typical pay for a reconnaissance mission. Can you imagine how good the pay is for a mission that has you fight?"

She definitely saw the logic of that. "True... though I'm not a really good fighter. I can use my village's jutsus well enough, like the chakra shield, but I'm not S-class. What if we come up against something I can't handle? I guess that's why you're coming too. So where is this place?"

"It's a temple in the fire country, a bunch of monks live there. Hidan and Kakuzu were supposed to investigate this, but once Leader saw your skills, he figured we could do a better job. After all, Hidan and Kakuzu aren't very... subtle."

"That might get them both killed someday."

"Maybe, but for now we're the ones doing this job. Just follow me, you'll be alright."

* * *

Yeah right. You'll be alright, he said. Right now that was far from the truth. As she had predicted, the Akatsuki cloak had gotten snagged in a tree branch and she fell from her post, alerting the monks to her presence. Fortunately the cloak had also fallen off, and the monks never knew that it was Akatsuki watching them, just a curious ninja. When she got up, brushing herself off, she explained that she had only wanted to see what they were doing and apologized for being nosy. They accepted her story and allowed her to leave, then she met up with Kisame, who had gotten her cloak back secretly.

"Shit... Sorry Kisame, but hey, I told you that cloak gets in the way."

"Nah, it's fine, I don't think there's a jinchuuriki here anyway. I don't sense anything that strong. We better go report back before Leader gets antsy."

On their way back from the temple, however, they met someone heading towards the temple, a strange kid that looked like a monk in training. He had a very angsty expression on his face and Miyomi sighed to herself. Was anyone in this universe NOT angsty? Well, she didn't care, she wanted little more than to just pass him by and have nothing happen, but of course he backed away, on guard as he spoke. "You... who are you?"

Miyomi was about to say that it didn't matter, they were just passing through, but of course Kisame had to ruin that idea right there. "We're Akatsuki, kid, so you better run on home." Kisame grinned and hefted Samehada in front of him, on guard from any oncoming attacks. The kid was also on guard, clenching his right arm fiercely. It seemed to pain him a great deal.

"What were you doing up there in the temple? You better not have hurt anyone or I'll destroy you!"

Miyomi backed away, simply because she didn't feel like fighting, and watched Kisame rush ahead, blocking and being blocked by... good grief, did that kid just grow a different limb? Yeah, he had claws, and fur, and... wow. Kisame grinned even wider. "Well well, looks like the jinchuuriki is right here!"

No, the kid kinda looked like a fox demon, and... the only fox holder out there was Naruto, right? "Uh, Kisame, I don't think he's the one we're looking for..."

Kisame kept attacking, strangely able to talk while fighting. "What do you mean, he has claws and everything! What's your name, kid?"

"Shut up! My name is Sora, and I will kill you right here!" A sudden burst of orange energy surrounded Sora, parts of his body transforming into a demon fox. Yet again, Miyomi raised her eyebrows.

"Uh... Kisame... I REALLY don't think he's the one we're looking for..."

Kisame finally saw her point and backed off. "Yeah... Maybe not..."

However, Sora couldn't keep from blabbing. "I WILL KILL YOU! Naruto taught me what it is to value people close to me, and I will use this power to destroy you! Even if I destroy the temple and all the people in it in the process, I will still kill you!"

Miyomi couldn't see the logic. "So you care about those close to you... and don't care if you kill them. Right. That... makes a ton of sense." Good grief, this guy was even dumber than Naruto. At least Naruto had been able to see that people close to him should not die.

Kisame backed away towards Miyomi, noting that while the kid kept screaming about bonds and killing, he was quite distracted. "Hey... let's lose this guy." While Sora was blinded by anger, Miyomi and Kisame managed to sneak off into the wilderness.

* * *

"So you're telling me that this... Sora was similar to the Kyuubi?"

Kisame nodded. "Yeah, so at that point we figured that there couldn't be two people holding the Kyuubi and got away. The mission was to find out what the strange chakra was, and that was all."

Pein nodded, though disappointment was hidden in his expression. "I see. Then it seems that the reports of a jinchuuriki were false. However... what exactly was this Sora?"

Miyomi shrugged, but she had a hunch. "Well, he's kinda like other people I've seen with demons in them, though his is pretty strong. It was a lucky break to get away from all those monks, though. This stupid cloak got caught in a tree and made me lose my cover."

"You'll have to get used to it. Well... since you recovered the information required, and without revealing our intentions... you will be paid in full." He shoved two bags of ryo onto his desk. "Of course, if you happen to find out more about Sora and whatever it is inside him, you will be paid extra depending on how informative it is. Along with that, information on any jinchuuriki is taken quite seriously and well paid for. I know that you are in this to fund your living, Miyomi, and I offer this option to you as your missions."

She crossed her arms over her chest, not really liking the prospect of dealing with emo jinchuuriki but at the same time loving the idea of getting lots of money. Well, whatever. "Well I guess so. Do you have anywhere in mind?"

"If you feel that you are up to a solo mission, I do have a place in mind. I want you to travel to sound country and spy on an ex-member of Akatsuki, Orochimaru. We have intelligence that suggests that the Kyuubi container will be headed for the same location to look for Sasuke, and we need to know what happens when they meet up. Just look from a distance and tell me everything that occurs."

She grimaced. "I... don't have to talk to either of them, right?"

"No, that won't be necessary. You will be paid ten thousand ryo for this mission if all goes well."

Her eyes went wide at that. "Ten thousand?" Well, even if she did happen to have to talk to Sasuke or Naruto, ten thousand ryo would be more than enough to pay for plenty of hot spring emo recovery. "Hell yes. I'm in."

* * *

A/N: HELL YES. Miyomi is back in business! What will happen when she sees them again?


	6. Profile for Miyomi

A/N: Here's Miyomi's profile if anyone is interested...

Name: Kikkawa, Miyomi

Age: 28

Gender: Female

Height: 5'8"

Weight: 130

Appearance: Lavender hair and deep purple eyes. Standard charcoal gray vest, worn over a plain deep purple short dress with no sleeves. Utility belt, dark short boots, black leather gauntlets. I'll draw her for you sometime.

Level/Rank: Jounin rank missing nin

Village: Missing Star (Hoshigakure)

Language: N/A everyone speaks Japanese apparently.

Main/Favored Weapon: Short chakra blade, a simple knife that can be imbued with elemental power if necessary.

Side Arms: Shuriken, senbon, and exploding tags

Element: Fire and water (Jounin rank can use two after all)

Fighting Type: Ninjutsu, then taijutsu

Fighting Style: Passive

Physical Strengths: agility, speed, accuracy and skilled with small objects

Mental Strengths: Has common sense (imagine that!), imaginative tactics , high adaptability to change and does NOT talk about bonds. (Well... imagine that too.)

Physical Weaknesses: Aside from a few main jutsus, she is only physically average amongst the jounin class. She finds it difficult to escape stealthily (runs into Akatsuki HOW many times?), tires quickly, is very easy to capture in the early morning when she is still exhausted, and has problems running long distances.

Mental Weaknesses: Apathetic, easily discouraged, very lazy and fights mainly for herself. Extremely selfish and often disregards the feelings of others, making herself quite a pest anywhere she goes.

Jutsus: Ninjutsu: Basic skills (Replacement technique, Clone technique, Transformation technique), Raging pyre (Fire style, airborne), Flaming circle (Fire style, ground based), Burning arrows (Fire style, multiple hit, airborne), Boiling ocean (Fire and water combination, seemingly useless except in cooking) Tempest wave (Water style, ground based), Water clone (Water style) Genjutsu: Heat of confusion (Fire style), Mist reflection (Water style) Taijutsu: Flurry of needles (Senbon) Restricted Jutsu: Shadow clone (many jounin can use it, but like most other jounin, she can't use it for long or in mass) Circle of entrapment (causes enemy to be trapped in an orb of fire until she releases it. Restricted due to how dangerous it is for the user, though she is experienced enough to manage it)

Background: After witnessing the dangerous chakra control practices of Hoshigakure, Miyomi left the village as a missing nin in order to live in her usual apathetic manner. Her family is still alive in Hoshigakure, but she doesn't seem to care to talk about them or anyone else from her hometown. Very little is known about her since she is anti-social, but a few interesting characters might get her to spill a few things here and there.


End file.
